Why I now hate plumbers

Despite the fact that I am sure that the construction industry has safeguards in place and condemns all criminal activity, I will choose to ignore this completely.

As part of my hate, I will spread rumours on social media and abuse any plumber or even an image of a sink or bathroom. And if a plumber invites me to see their work first hand, I will simply ignore them.

Although I am a relatively normal person and respected member of society, I will deem it acceptable to shout verbal abuse at plumbers if I happen to see one and will even make rude hand gestures to them when I see their white vans.

If I get chance while out walking, I will steal or break the equipment used by plumbers and even post pictures of this criminal activity to receive praise from my fellow plumber haters.

I also will support direct, aggressive action against plumbers in their workplace, endorsing aggravated trespass which results in plumbers putting down their tools and calling the police (at a considerable cost to the taxpayer).

It is true that I will continue to benefit from the general hard work of plumbers in my home or in public buildings, yet I will openly discredit their skills and suggest that all plumbing work should be carried out by other people, regardless off their skills sets.

I will happily risk the heating systems, showers, baths and miles of pipework even if the end result might be chaos and leaks as long as plumbers are stopped.

I will even call for plumbing to be banned, as I am sure that the public and maybe carpenters can do the work of skilled plumbers. This may cost people more, and not have a proven track record, but so be it.

I will also take the opportunity to hijack the recent droughts and claim that plumbers are sucking our water away in their evil pipes.

I will suggest that individuals who own large plumbing companies which employ lots of people should have their rights removed. So too their financial success or the jobs they create should be vilified in an outdated class war.

I will seek the support of celebrities and certain sections of the media in my quest against plumbers. They can use their status to spread cherry-picked data and blame plumbers for climate change and causing devasting floods due to pipe leaks.

If a company or public body decides to use plumbers in their buildings they will be bombarded with emails and constant harassment with images of flooded bathrooms.

If a plumber dares to stand up to this abuse and outline their skills, how the trade has changed and improved and its broader benefits I will simply discredit they as simple construction folk who need re-educating.